Does a Promiscuous Past Affect a Christian Marriage?
yes. no. maybe so.
We’ve been exploring the topic of past sexual sin and how we should think through these things from a biblical, gospel-centered, perspective. This article is third in a series. Catch up on previous essays below:
READ: Once a Promiscuous Woman, Always a Promiscuous Woman
READ: The Kind of Man it Takes to Marry a Woman with Past Sexual Sin
The proponents of purity culture meant well. Unfortunately, meaning well can miss the mark. Like when a dart forsakes the entire dart-board and puts a lasting hole in the wall. Whoops.
Big whoops, indeed.
Because, when you try to scare teens out of having sex before marriage and make virginity the definition of purity, you end up with Christians who lose sight of the gospel and lack understanding of the power of redemption. Rather than providing the real reason to pursue sexual purity (to honor and obey the Lord), the focus was placed on earthly blessings and consequences.
Yet, there are earthly consequences to sexual sin that can affect a marriage. If I said there weren’t, I’d be a liar. So, let’s look at the claims and understand the true dangers. But if you’re someone who walked a path similar to mine, stick around because there is so much hope. I promise.
For clarity’s sake: I am not saying someone should marry a person who is actively pursuing a lifestyle of sexual sin (whether promiscuity or personal sexual addictions). This article is an honest look at the potential consequences on a marriage with a believer who repented of their sexual sin and is walking in purity before God.
Let’s start with the most common response I’ve witnessed in recent weeks.
Insufficient “Pair-Bonding”
Growing up outside of the Church, I had never heard the term “pair-bonding.” But it’s apparently a highly used phrase wherever purity culture lives because people really like to throw that one out there.1
When I told my husband that people think that we can’t “bond sufficiently,” he laughed out loud. I assure all those who are apparently very worried that I can’t bond with my husband that it is not a problem in our marriage.
But what does that even mean? Pair-bonding in it’s purest definition is simply a monogamous relationship.2 Some believe that women (why is it always only women?) who have had multiple partners cannot bond sexually or emotionally in the way God intended. You might hear these people talk about women who have a “high body count” which they define as 5 or more partners. The thing is, sexual activity with anyone outside of marriage will have a negative impact on our brains regarding sex.3
God made sex in such a way that when a couple both orgasm, it’s chemically intense. It’s true that oxytocin is a “feel-good bonding hormone.”4 It’s true that dopamine is released and “acts on the reward system in the nucleus accumbens,” which is associated with addiction.5 It makes us want more. High amounts of vasopressin is released in a man during sex, increasing motivation to continue engaging and can also be responsible for feelings that can develop attachment (Maybe men aren’t exempt from this danger after all).6 Some neuroscientists believe that post-sex skin-to-skin is actually an important part of the bonding process due to a secondary release of oxytocin.7
Sex is wonderful. It can be a deeply bonding experience. And we should be careful with it, keeping it within the boundaries God has clearly defined.
But this doesn’t mean that you are forever bonded to every person you’ve had sex with. The bond has to continue to be strengthened or it will flutter away like the butterflies I released last summer (They are all dead now). This is why the continued pursuit of sexual intimacy with your spouse is deeply important to the health of a marriage.8
There’s more to this than biological functions of the body. When people declare those with sexual pasts to be unable to bond in their marriage, they are forgetting a key difference between sex outside of God’s design and sex that is holy before God.
Here’s what I mean: The relations I had before the Lord rescued me from my sin were void of the intimacy that can only happen between two believers (man and woman) who have covenanted together, love God, and long to serve each other. Nothing bonds a couple like being one in Christ. My husband and I are not just lovers, we are connected in such a way through Christ that is more meaningful even than marriage: we are both children of God. This changes everything. Our unity in Christ enhances intimacy like nothing else. Our desire to grow in Christ and serve each other (in and out of the bedroom) enhances the depth of our intimacy. And yes, when you realize that this beautiful gift of sex given by God means you can relish in each other’s love with full abandonment, free of shame, and that it actually honors God to do so—phew, talk about sparks flying.
So, yes, sex outside of marriage is damaging, regardless of how many partners you’ve had or if it was only with a screen. But we have got to stop telling people this lie that they’ll never be able to bond with their future spouse. These things can be redeemed. God can pluck people out of their dark pit of sexual sin, give them eyes to see, grant repentance, and heal what is broken in them. He has done this time and time again.
The thing that boggles my mind is how many men will declare a woman with a sexual past to be unable to bond and undeserving of marriage while so many Christian men enter into marriage lugging a porn addiction over their shoulders.
Tell me, what is more damaging to the bonding of a married couple: someone who was saved out of promiscuity and has repented of all sexual sin and is walking in purity or someone who is actively engaging in porn and masturbation?
My husband and I were very cautious in our dating relationship because we knew that if we sinned together sexually it would break our trust. If we couldn’t exercise self-control before marriage, how could we trust each other to do so in marriage? Yet, there are believers who sin together sexually during engagement. What does that do to a marital-bond?
I’m not saying this to shame anyone; God can heal trust and overcome the obstacles sexual sin causes. But the hypocrisy needs to be called out. We need to have the humility to admit that all sexual sin is grievous. That we are only made pure by the blood of Christ.
Elevates the Likelihood of Divorce/Infidelity
This is an interesting claim to me because many of us who were saved out of promiscuity are some of the biggest advocates for God’s design for sex. We have walked the treacherous path and experienced the death and danger that comes from sin. We know the dangers of watching that scene in a movie or reading that spicy romance novel. We know that sin starts small and it grows and grows.
I think about how common it is for a Christian man to be caught in adultery and it’s revealed that he’s actually been harboring a porn addiction since before marriage.9 He might have waited until marriage to have actual sex with another human being, but his virginity was a smokescreen. The same goes for Christian women.
Some will state the statistics of virgins being less likely to divorce. But it’s not a fair study unless we are looking at only actual Christians, which is unlikely.
You know what can lead to infidelity? Unchecked sexual sin of any kind. And divorce? Unchecked sin of any kind. Pride or selfishness now can do far more damage to a marriage than past sexual sin.
STDs
This one is pretty straight forward. Obviously, when we have multiple partners it increases the potential of contracting an STD. If you are a believer and this has happened to you, be up front and honest with your future spouse. Though this isn’t quite as common as it’s made out to be, the wise and kind thing to do would be to get tested before marriage and proceed with complete honesty.
Unexpected Pregnancy
Children are a blessing even when unexpected or conceived outside of marriage. They are also a big commitment that might cause pause for a potential spouse. However, there are many godly men who would gladly marry a godly woman and take on the responsibility of being a father to their child. They would be incredibly blessed to do so.
Unwanted Images/Memories
Sexual and sensual images and memories stick in our mind. They can come up randomly without any desire to remember or dwell on them. This is true, and it includes images from movies, porn, or stories in a book. But this is not only a consequence for those who had sex with multiple partners in their unsaved state. It’s true for all believers.
I want to speak hope here. For me, the memories are far and few between and they are so foreign to me that it feels like a flash of a movie scene. There’s a beautiful truth in Scripture that reminds us that our minds can be renewed (Rom. 12:2). God can transform us and cleanse our minds of many of the unwanted images and memories as we continue to seek to not be conformed to the world’s patterns.
Struggles with Wrong Thinking (ie. “Sex is dirty” etc.)
Every adult man and woman on God’s good earth has experienced wrong thinking about sex. For me, the world influenced my view of sex until God revealed the truth to me. In the beginning of our marriage, I struggled with feeling like sex was dirty or wrong, rather than the beautiful gift God made. Even though God is omnipresent, maybe he just turned away or closed his eyes when my husband and I had sex.
I’ve come a long way, praise the Lord. I have learned that sex as God intended, between a man and a woman who have covenanted together, is not just beautiful, but holy even. Because when husband and wife come together seeking to satisfy the other and are naked and unashamed, fully basking in the gift God gave them, it brings God glory.
But believing sex is dirty isn’t unique to those of us who were previously living lives entrenched in sexual sin. All of us have sexual baggage that we carry into marriage. Feeling like sex is dirty is extremely common among Christian women, particularly those who grew up in purity culture. When you do anything you can to scare teens out of having sex outside of marriage, focusing intently on the dangers, this is what happens. They were told “no, no, no,” and then suddenly “go” without properly preparing them for what would take place.
Some Christian women were even told not to expect sex to be enjoyable, but that it’s their duty as a wife, which has led to a whole host of issues in Christian marriages where the wife is viewed as a device and her sexual desires are rarely satisfied. This certainly doesn’t reflect God’s design.10
So, it seems, this consequence of wrong thinking about sex is found among most, not only those who lived promiscuously before God saved them.
Don’t Forget the God Who Heals and Redeems
If you are a woman who walked a similar path as me in your past, I want you to know that God can redeem these things. People might make you feel like you’re a lost cause or can’t have a healthy marriage because of your past. They might speak to you as a second-rate Christian. But what they are missing is the power of redemption. I feel sorry for them.
You have not ruined your chances of finding a godly man and a loving marriage. Keep pursuing purity, not to gain blessings from the Lord, but because you love him. Leave the rest in his hands.
Free to Weep is out now!
ICYMI:
April Recs + Reads: 5 things I do to fight discouragement
If I Only Had a Brain
What’s the Difference Between Sadness and Discontent? on TGC
The Kind of Man is Takes to Marry a Woman with a Sexual Past
Once a Promiscuous Woman, Always a Promiscuous Woman
So Many Questions and the Lies Beneath Them on Gospel-Centered Discipleship
Jesus Doesn’t Judge Your Tears on Proverbs 31 Ministries
What if “Suffering Well” Doesn’t Mean Staying Strong on Ann Voskamp’s blog
Debunking 4 Justifications for Masturbation on TGC
“Pair-bonding” is also an evolutionary view which makes it all the more interesting that Christians would latch onto it.
“Merriam-Webster Dictionary.” 2026. Merriam-Webster.com. 2026. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pair-bond.
Pornography and self-sex are also highly damaging to a man or woman’s ability to bond with their spouse (or future spouse if the sin is still present).
“What Happens in Your Brain during Orgasm?” n.d. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-happens-in-your-brain-during-orgasm-5272518.
Ibid.
Ibid.
https://www.facebook.com/sydney.ceruto. 2023. “Brain Chemicals during Sex: 7 Astonishing Intimacy Insights.” MindLAB Neuroscience by Dr. Sydney Ceruto. September 27, 2023. https://mindlabneuroscience.com/brain-chemicals-during-sex/.
This is not to say that couples who can no longer partake in sex due to injury, health conditions, age, etc. can’t build intimacy. I am speaking as a general rule.
Personally, I consider pornography to be a form of adultery.
God designed women with a part of the body that’s sole purpose is sexual arousal. He wants both men and women to enjoy sex with their spouse.
It’s hard to be objective about this because I will never have the perspective or experience of marriage that is between two pure Christians. I only know marriage from the perspective of two people who had a history of past sexual sin, but from seeing and hearing from friends who did wait it seems they escaped many of the struggles my husband and I unfortunately had to endure due to our pasts. Breakups and relationships for years outside of marriage have a way of hardening our hearts, at least it did for us, but God in all His mercy, with many prayers and supplications has lead us to a place of peace and love. Thank you for taking time to write this, I’ve often wondered how to put all these thoughts in myself, it seems we share similar experience.
Pair-bonding discourse often fixates on whether a woman can still attach after she has a past. Less interested, somehow, in how many women were taught to treat sex like duty, silence, endurance, and proof of goodness. A woman’s history is not where intimacy goes to die. Sometimes it’s where the lies finally start leaving fingerprints.