My Firstborn is Not My First Baby

you are a mother.

The prompt told me to share a picture of my first baby for Mother’s Day. I saw it a dozen times. But I couldn’t bring myself to partake.

Maybe it’s because I can’t help but think of the woman who has a baby, but has nothing to show for it. The woman who is a mother, but whose motherhood remains unacknowledged today. I remember how that feels, and so I don’t put up the picture of my squishy baby boy.

But also, I pause because he isn’t actually my first baby anyway. He’s the first one I got to parent. The first one I got to kiss. The first of my babies I got to hold, nurse, and comfort. But he’s not my first baby, not truly. 

My first baby died. Along with my second and my third. The only pictures I have of them are the ones in my mind—the dreams of who they might be, what they might look like, and how it would have felt to hold them on my chest.

If that’s all you have of your baby, whether it was your first or your third, whether you carried them for five weeks or forty, I acknowledge you today. Your baby is an invaluable image-bearer of the Almighty God. Whether you hold other children in your lap today or not, you are a mother. May God hold you today as you grieve over your child and rejoice in their lives, no matter how short.

In my forthcoming book on miscarriage I wrote, “We can celebrate their lives now, too, even as we grieve. We are free to weep deeply over losing them and missing them, while also remembering the gift it is to have carried them in our womb for all their days on earth. Let us praise God for creating them and for bringing them safely to glory, until with bated breath we finally set our eyes on their faces.

Your baby is real. Your baby is a person with a soul. Your baby’s life is invaluable. You are meant to lament when they die. Your grief is valid.”

You are a mother.

If you’ve lost a baby, I’d love to celebrate their life in the comments. Tell me about them in the comments. I’ll share too.

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ICYMI
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