Please, Don't Say These Things to Women Who Have Miscarried
and what to say instead.
Have you ever heard someone make a comment that just didn’t sit right with you even though it’s a common phrase? You lost your grandmother and someone says, “God needed another angel.” Or you were thick in a season of unwanted singleness and heard, “At least you have free time!”
There’s a deeper rooted issue with comments like these many of us have said or heard, and for that I ask you to stay tuned for my second book which comes out next April. But when a couple experiences a miscarriage, there are tons of responses like these flung in their direction like darts. Those who say them don’t mean for their words to attack, but they often do. They bring into question not only the grief of the mother and father, but also the value of the baby who was lost.
These unhelpful words women (and couples) hear are a big issue in the Church. Let’s look at them and see what we can say instead, for the sake of loving our suffering sisters better through loss.
#1: “At least” comments
“At least it was early.”
“At least you can get pregnant.”
“At least you have other children.”
“At least you can adopt.”
If you have miscarried, you have likely received one or more of these comments more than a few times. Every single one of them devalues the life of babies in the womb. If someone loses a one year old child, do people say, “At least he was young” or “At least you have other kids”? What about, “Don’t worry, you can have another”? Of course not! Why? Because we know that that one year old baby boy is irreplaceable. No other child can fill the gap his death has left in the lives of his parents. So what do these comments reveal about what we believe about preborn babies?
Instead of saying “at least” comments, we can simply say, “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby.” Here are some other examples:
“At least it was early” » “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Losing a child at any stage is gut-wrenching.”
“At least you have other children.” » “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Can I drop off a meal or watch your kids for you today?”
#2: “You’ll have another baby.”
Like it’s counterpart “At least you can get pregnant,” this sentence packs a gut-punch to the woman who is grieving. It is as if their loss is being brushed off the shoulder—like it’s no big deal to have your child pass away inside your own body. And as we’ve already discovered, babies don’t replace babies.
But the other dark side to this statement is the undercurrent of pride exposed by promising blessings to people that God has not promised. Many women go on (as I did after hearing this) to lose more babies. Some of them never get to experience a live birth. These words sting with every added loss.
Again, the simple replacement is, “I’m so sorry about the loss of your precious baby.”
#3: “Maybe God was protecting you from a child with special needs.”
If we are pro-life, then let us be pro-life about preborn babies with disabilities. Many of us beg parents to not abort their babies who have down syndrome and other similar special needs. Why would we then count it as a blessing and God’s protection to lose a baby to miscarriage who may have had special needs?
I have a friend who delivered her baby boy knowing he would likely not live long. This common comment is highly offensive to parents who delivered their babies with special needs, cared for them for all their weeks on earth, and still grieve them every day.
Instead of saying this and similar comments, just say, “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby.”
#4: “Do you think it was the…”
“…exercise, coffee, lack of prenatals, stress, etc.”
We humans really like to grasp for reasons behind our suffering. I think it makes us feel in control, because if we know why, then we can prevent it from happening again. This is the heart behind this comment. The person saying it is trying to spare their friend more loss in the future. But unfortunately, it only hurts and even assigns blame to the mother.
Again, replace it with, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
#5: Saying nothing
It’s one thing to say nothing as you offer your presence to your grieving friend, allowing them to share about their pain. It’s another thing to turn away from them at church or talk to them as if their loss doesn’t exist.
I understand how hard it is to know what to say when talking with those who are grieving (I wrote about that here), but never acknowledging your friend’s loss is deeply painful to her.
Keep it simple, like we have with all the others—“I’m so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?”
#6: Offering truths at a hurtful time
Just because something is true (ie. God is using this for your good, Scripture tells us to rejoice always, etc.) doesn’t mean it’s always the right thing to say at a particular moment. Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” We can infer that a truthful word that is not spoken at the right time has a different kind of impact—and not a good one.
When a woman is grieving her unborn baby, what she needs is reminders of how Jesus is weeping with her, how he grieves alongside her, and she will one day see his faithfulness to her, even if it’s hard to believe it now.
There may be a time to offer a sufferer a hard truth even as they grieve, but it is often not in the raw, early stages of loss.
We can do better
Much of what is said to women after a miscarriage is borrowed from the world. But the world we live in advocates for the brutal murder of babies in the womb. We must toss the world’s words in the trash where it belongs and align our speech about miscarriage with God’s.
Our words must reflect the truth that miscarriage is the loss of a precious, irreplaceable, valuable, image-bearer of the living God. May our words show to the unbelieving world that these babies are worthy of being grieved. And as Christians, let’s free up our sisters to weep over this great loss instead of brushing their grief aside as if it is unfounded.
If you are walking through the sorrow of miscarriage, I wrote my book Lost Gifts for you. If you know someone who is facing this loss, consider purchasing a copy for them or for yourself to better learn how to minister to them. Lastly, if you are a pastor or women’s ministry leader, consider buying a few copies to have on hand for the women in your church.
ICYMI:
Relying on the Spirit When Meeting with the Grieving on Gospel-Centered Discipleship
Will I Ever Love a Church Again?
I Still Wonder Who You Are
I Just Don’t Get Why She’s So Sad
8 Things Church Leaders Can Do to Help Couples Grieving a Miscarriage