8 Things Church Leaders Can Do to Help Couples Grieving a Miscarriage
Because this matters.
My husband and I recently encountered a situation that left us conversing about how difficult it must be to be a pastor or elder. I say this because with a post like this there’s a downside that church leaders might feel discouraged by their own shortcomings as they’ve ministered to couples in their church who are facing miscarriage. This is not my intent. My hope in sharing these ideas is that leaders might take them to heart in the future as they grow in weeping with those who weep.
With that said, let’s look at 8 things Church leaders can do to help a couple grieving a miscarriage.
Remember, they lost more than a pregnancy.
Pregnancy loss, though a commonly used term, is a bit misleading. When a couple experiences miscarriage, they lose much more than a pregnancy. They have lost a baby. A person made in the image of God. Allow them to grieve this as you would the loss of any child or family member.
Cover their grief with grace.
Beware of expecting more from a grieving couple than what the Bible expects of them. Allow them to wrestle, question, and grieve their baby for as long as they need. Avoid platitudes and instead give your listening ear and your prayerful heart.
Practice lamenting together as a church.
If you have a regular time of prayer in your Sunday services or other special services, consider adding a time of corporate lament. You can pray specifically for couples (if they are comfortable) or in general. Miscarriage is an opportunity to weep with those who weep and lament to God on their behalf.
Keep reaching out.
Ask them how they are, even months later. This is especially imporant for those who are facing recurrent loss or infertility after loss. Make certain they know they are loved, seen, and prayed for.
Be extra sensitive on holidays.
Consider the suffering of couples who have experienced miscarriage on holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and plan your services with them in mind. Forgo handing gifts or flowers out to mothers with living children unless you plan to include mothers who have only lost babies as well.
Pray for them publicly.
If a time of pastoral prayer is a practice in your church service, pray a general prayer for couples walking through miscarriage from time to time. You can also pray for couples by name if they feel comfortable with this.
Connect them with others who have experienced miscarriage.
If you know of a woman who has gone through this grief, ask if she’d be willing to come alongside her sister in Christ.
Don’t forget fathers.
They are often overlooked in the grief of miscarriage, but husbands need support too. If you see them at church, ask how they’re doing or if they need anything. Don’t assume they aren’t hurting.
God has entrusted Pastors and Church leaders to the hard work of walking with the grieving. It is a heavy weight, but God is your guide. Follow the Spirit’s leading as you interact with the hurting. He is with you.
What would you add? How have your pastors supported you well in the sorrow of miscarriage? Tell me in the comments.
PREORDER Lost Gifts: Miscarriage, Grief, and the God of all Comfort here.
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We miscarried our son nearly 6 years ago. The parish we belonged to at the time had a practice of praying over expecting parents after Mass on the first Sunday of the month. Since our son was known to us for less than a month before he passed, the pastor invited us to still come forward to receive the blessing that next first Sunday. I really appreciated that invitation, and the acknowledgment it gave to the new life we had been blessed with and were looking forward to meeting (though in our case, not til heaven.) I wish our current parish offered a similar blessing opportunity for new and newly-bereaved parents (either a joint blessing, or separate ones) with an explicit invitation to both groups. It was nice to feel seen by my faith community during that tender time.
I love the idea of corporate prayers of lament. I think that is missing in so many churches and a missed opportunity for our shepherds to lead us in how to honor God in our sorrow. Personally, I HATE being asked "how are you?" because it's usually with a big grin or expectation that everything's sunshine and flowers as it is outside. It has made Sunday mornings so much more difficult for me because I just freeze at that question, like a deer in the headlights. And then comes the forced positivity and comparisons and unmerited promises of "it will happen." No, it DID happen, and then my baby died. So yes, checking in on people who are grieving is so important, but we can do better than an overly enthusiastic, assuming- we've-moved-on "HOW ARE YOU!" 😫 Like what am I supposed to say, "umm still crying and screaming over the death of my baby, YES still two months later?" 😅🙈😫 It's not all that way - I have been so blessed with the body of Christ genuinely checking in on me but those Sunday morning "how are yous" are the hardest part of my week.