Setting Up Boundaries for Who You are, Not Who You Wish You Were

my battle with anger

The rage came like the first lightning strike in a storm, fast and startling. The peals of anger followed like the type of thunder that awakens you in the night. All of this, I thought, All of this because of a house chore?

It wasn’t about the yellow ring in the toilet I was cleaning or the grime on the sink I was scrubbing—it was more than that. It was the four-year-old not listening and the one-year-old grabbing at low-sitting lotions. Actually, I think it might have been that I’d been fighting frustration brought on by hormones all morning. It was all the things and yet it wasn’t any of those things at all.

My lack of self-control had caught me off guard, but really, this goes deeper than even that. The reason I yelled at my children and slammed the door only to cower in the very scene of the crime, ugly crying at my own sinfulness, is that I didn’t know myself. I didn’t expect to be as prone to wander as I am, because I was believing myself to be further along than I was. I hadn’t set up boundaries for who I was; my boundaries were fit for who I wished to be.

The Angry Mother by Jean Baptiste Greuze. I wish I looked this graceful when I’m mad. Also, the little boy pulling on her skirt in the middle of her break down—I feel that.

Part of fighting temptation in our lives is knowing ourselves and being honest about where we are. Sure, we should be able to withhold from sex before marriage as God’s holy and loving design, but we still shouldn’t lay in bed with our fiancé. We should be able to abstain from getting drunk, but we also shouldn’t hang around with a bunch of drunk people every weekend. It’s the same for the battle against anger. We can’t control our circumstances. Yet we can use wisdom to discern ways to help us fight.

We must put up boundaries for who we are, not who we wish to be.

PMS (Put Me Somewhere so I don’t hurt someone)

I punched a fish once. No, really, I did. I have always struggled with PMDD, which is basically PMS symptoms on steroids. But when I was on a heavy dose of progesterone during our miscarriage/infertility journey I experienced intense rage. I’m not the only one. Many women report increased irritability and sudden rage as side effects when on bio-identical progesterone like Prometrium. One evening as I was preparing dinner, the foil in my fish foil pack basically flipped me off and told me I was an idiot. Okay, not really—it just didn’t fit. The foil was too small and oh, did I mention that was the last of said foil? So, like any woman would like a complete psycho, I punched a foil pack of tilapia and veggies.¹ I’m not proud of this. In fact, it might one of my worst moments. Praise the Lord it was only a dead fish.

The point is, that is not normal for me and that level of rage over something so small was only something I experienced when on supplemental progesterone. This is not an excuse. But we would be remiss to brush off the very real hormonal shifts that affect our ability to remain self-controlled. It’s still my sin, but it is exasperated by my hormones. It’s important to take these things ( and other circumstances like grief, anxiety, fear, etc.) into consideration not so we can give ourselves a free card to scream at the world, but so that we can put the right boundaries in place for the times when we are more prone to anger.

Here’s a nitty gritty example for you: After that day when I lost my temper on my children in the bathroom a couple years ago, I made a vow to not clean the bathrooms when I’m experiencing PMDD symptoms. I realized that as much as I wish I could clean the bathrooms with little kids making it more difficult during any time of the month, the truth was, I couldn’t. And it is far better to have a dirty bathroom than to yell at my sweet children. The cool thing about a woman’s cycle is typically we know when we’re approaching the PMS stage. Of course, things can make this harder like perimenopause, PCOS, and other hormonal fluctuations, but in general we have a bit of a warning of what’s to come. If we find ourselves in situations where we are losing it on the people around us, we can take a step back and see if there’s a boundary we can put up to guard our hearts from sin.

We can apply this to other sins. Maybe anger isn’t a struggle for you, but sexual sin is. Keep track of your cycle and notice when you are more tempted so you can set up boundaries during those times. We don’t have to be slaves to our hormones. We can learn from them and use the information to our advantage.

When fighting any kind of sin we must look at all the variables. What are we listening to or watching that could be contributing to our struggle? Am I watching reels of other moms talking about how hard motherhood is that leave me feeling sorry for myself? What are we doing when we are tempted toward a particular sin? We need to pay attention.

Learning to Pay Attention

This is a silly example, but I used to get so aggravated while washing the dishes. I started paying attention and began to realize that it was because I had to constantly pull my sleeves up so they wouldn’t get wet. The feeling of sleeves slipping down my arms toward the water was so bothersome to me that it would turn me into a total grump. Now I either take my sweater off or change into a t-shirt before doing dishes. It really doesn’t get more obnoxiously practical than that.

It seems immature for something so small to annoy us, but maturity is having wisdom to look for the why behind the anger and then doing something about it instead of allowing myself to be tempted over and over as if something will magically change. Isn’t that the definition of insanity or something?

When we are tempted, we need to be curious about why. It is vital that we search our hearts for lies we’re believing or resentment we’re harboring or pride we’re nursing, but we also need to look at our circumstances and see what we can do to better equip ourselves. Sometimes, that means not cleaning the bathrooms that week, allowing ourselves to rest when our body and brains need it, or switching up a routine.

This is really vulnerable to share, but I think it might help someone. One of my sons is prone to explosive emotions, sometimes to an extreme level. For years I was at a loss on how to properly discipline him. It felt like our home was a war zone and I was forced to engage in a battle I wanted no part in every single day. Having self-control in a situation like that is hard. It’s amazing, though, what small changes can make big differences. Previously, I would place him in his room so that I could calm down but when I heard him yelling it would only make it harder to fight anger. I needed to make a change. My husband and I worked together to find a solution. We began placing him in a chair away from anything he might destroy and staying present with him instead of walking away. This has helped him so much, but the biggest change I have seen is in myself. This tiny shift has helped me to gain back the self-control I was losing. But it’s taken more than just that…

Put on the Armor, You Dummy

Scripture literally tells us to put on the armor of God to fight the deeds of the flesh and yet, I wasn’t doing that. I was studying my Bible every day, pausing to pray for others. But I wasn’t begging God for mercy like I should have been. I wasn’t dwelling on scriptures about anger or self-control. I wasn’t asking him to change me. Why? You might ask. Because I’m dumb.

Just kidding. But really, why did I wait so long to truly engage in the battle? I spent so much time wishing it away, yet rarely any time praying for God to help me. I am very much still in process, but God is being so gracious to me and I’m finally experiencing growth in this area.

I also realized that I need to start the battle first thing in the morning and not as the moment strikes. Soldiers prepare for battle, marching into it or hiding out in trenches with their weapons, even sending out scouts ahead of time. I have learned that my battle against sin starts long before the temptation to sin comes.

God has also revealed to me again that I am not as strong as I think I am. When I feel the slightest bit of irritation or overwhelm, I need to pray. right. then. I need to stop what I’m doing and beg for God’s help. I need to pick up my Bible instead of my phone during our break between math and reading lessons. Sometimes, I need to simply put the to do list aside and build legos with my oldest or magnatiles with my little guy.

Maybe none of these examples are beneficial to you, but the point is, we have to set up boundaries for who we are, not who we wish we were. We might grieve over our lack of sanctification in certain areas but this is what maturity actually looks like for the Christian. Staying curious about what is going on in our hearts, our bodies, and our circumstances and taking steps toward obedience.

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ICYMI:
Chronically Unseen, Fully Known
Not Your Typical Book About Suffering (Cover Reveal)
I Lost Three Babies in a Year. No One Knew What to Say
Ep. 04: How do we distinguish envy from grief?
Ep. 03: Are you drowning in undue shame?
Suffering in a TJ Maxx Parking Lot
Ep. 02 | Sex After Miscarriage

1. Can you tell I’ve been reading the Emma M. Lion series?