I Shared My Story of Spiritual Abuse

and here's why (it might surprise you).

Photo by Ayla Meinberg on Unsplash

Last week I shared a summary of my story of spiritual abuse on Threads and it blew up. (I also shared on Notes.) Though I’ve written on the topic of spiritual abuse for different publications, I haven’t shared any of the details of my story publicly (until now) for many reasons.

Reason #1: In the years after, I kept everything close to my heart. I barely trusted anyone anymore. For the first time in my life I was forced to learn the “art” of pretending. It felt like death to who I was—the girl who was always willing to be honest and transparent. That girl had been crushed under the weight of wounding words.

Reason #2: It took 2 1/2 years for me to find the courage to leave our previous church (Though my husband had been trying to convince me for over a year). I cried nearly every Sunday on the way home, feeling beat up. My faith was shriveling like a raisin. But I loved the people of that church so much. Leaving was one of the most heartbreaking things we’ve had to do.

Reason #3: I needed to heal. I needed to wrestle with God and work through my pain with those who were closest to me. I was broken down. Sometimes when I would read God’s Word, the words of my previous pastor were louder. It took time to untangle lies I had been believing from the truth in God’s Word. It took time to rip down the banner that had been thrown above me: “too downcast,” and replace it with my identity in Christ.

Reason #4: I wanted to be cautious. I never wanted to speak out for revenge or to cause dissension or out of bitterness (nor did I want to be accused of such).

Reason #5: Fear of retaliation. Because even when I have spoken up in articles where no details were shared, I have been attacked.

Reason #6: The worry that I would be labeled as progressive (which I am not).

It’s been six years since the day I sat in a cold office, nauseated from the baby in my womb, and heard those words that left my husband and I nearly speechless on the way home. The shock of my mistreatment hovered between us like thick fog. I praise the Lord that I am in a place of great healing now. God has redeemed this brokenness. I hold no anger toward those who hurt me, only sadness. I have no bitterness in my heart, just grief over how sin destroys. I forgave them long ago, but I wish there could have been true reconciliation.

The reason I finally shared is this:

Most of the voices speaking out about spiritual abuse have either become progressive in their theology or have left the Church altogether. I don’t know if I’ve ever come across someone who isn’t in one or both of those categories. I’m not saying this to shame anyone. It honestly breaks my heart because I believe that the place to heal from church abuse is in a healthy church. We cannot live the Christian life apart from the rest of the body.

I want to both speak out about spiritual abuse while also upholding the indispensability of the Church. (If you know someone who is doing this work please tag them so I can connect with them.)

Sadly, after sharing my story, I received comments with some variation of “this is why I left Christianity.” I never want my story to become “evidence” to others that they should stay away from Christianity. It grieves me. And maybe that’s why so few Christians who have not abandoned the Church speak up. Our desire to protect the name of Jesus keeps us quiet. I get it. But when does scripture tell us to keep sin in the darkness? Jesus said that those who follow him will not walk in darkness (Jn. 8:12). We are called to drag sin into the light. We must call out injustice in the Church for the sake of Jesus’ name. He does not need our protection. He doesn’t need us at all. Yet he has made us to be the light of the world. Why? Because we cast light into the darkness when we hold to the Truth and speak out against spiritual abuse.

Not everyone will be called to speak publicly on this. But some of us are. I wish I wasn’t—I wish I didn’t feel a need to fill this gap. But I do. There’s still a call to uphold truth. And the truth is, spiritual abuse is wrong. And also, we need the Church in the throes of spiritual abuse.

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